Day 44 — Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Making progress on a challenge can seem so slow, it really feels like for every two steps I take forward, I take one back. Guess it’s better than the opposite…at least I’m making progress little by little. It just seems like I should be able to set my mind on doing something, and make it happen.

I’ve certainly succeeded at giving up the sugar and processed sweets so far, and I’m really happy about that. But addiction is a nasty beast, and I keep sliding into some of the typical traps. Substance substitution, obsessing about having (or not having) certain things, or telling myself it’s no big deal instead of admitting what a challenge kicking the habit really is.

Admittedly I am not the most patient person. I want things to happen quickly, plugging away day by day is tough for me even though I know that’s the only way to truly succeed. So here I am, plugging, plugging, plugging away.

Day 16 — Targeting the Triggers

Last week I had a real run-in with trigger foods several days in a row–tempting culprits in the form of bagels for breakfast and soft white bread at a restaurant. They won, I lost. I realized that I was substituting foods that quickly convert to sugar in place of eating actual sugar. And it had to stop.

In doing more research, I found that substituting one food for another is common addict behavior. It’s often seen in alcoholics since the substance also has a food component (as opposed to something like a drug that doesn’t). Alcohol converts quickly to sugar, so when alcoholics stop drinking they often start eating large quantities of sugar-laden foods or foods made with highly-processed white flour that quickly converts to sugar. They’re replacing one sugar boost with another. Which was exactly what I was doing too.

So what exactly is a “trigger food?” And how do I identify and avoid them? My definition is any food that I can’t stop eating or that I keep eating long after I’m satisfied. For example, if I buy a large cookie at a bakery thinking I’ll just have half, but keep going back for more and more of it until it’s gone, that’s a trigger food. I said I would eat a certain amount but was not able to stop at that point. The delicious warm half a baguette served at a nice restaurant? Same thing…I think I’ll just have one piece, but in reality have two or three. And would actually eat the whole thing if someone else didn’t want to share it with me. Even if I have finished my meal and am not hungry any more, I will keep eating that bread until it’s gone.

Of course sugar-filled foods and sweets are triggers for me, that’s the whole reason I decided to give them up. But other foods can be triggers too, and it’s important for me to identify them before I get into the habit of just substituting one bad habit with another.

Day 12 — Mindless vs Mindful

Now that I’m not mindlessly filling up on sweets, I actually find it challenging to figure out alternate snacks. I have the calories to “spend,” I just have to figure out what to spend them on. I’m sure there are lots of good options, but it’s a significant change from grabbing whatever baked good or candy is laying around to really thinking about what to have and making that choice. Mindless eating is always easier than thoughtful eating.

Which makes me think about all the times I’ve sabotaged myself with sweets in the past. This is a pattern that’s gone on literally for as long as I can remember, at least back to high school. I would plan to do one thing (eat healthy, have just one cookie) and do the opposite (fill up on junk, eat the whole bag). Then I’d be angry and disappointed with myself. Beating myself up, I would vow to change my ways. Then turn around and do it all again. Trapped in a viscious cycle, this scenario would repeat itself over and over and over again. It was as if my logical brain had absolutely no connection to or power over my actions. I guess that’s why it’s mindless eating. The mind has basically checked out.

Mindless behavior is very closely tied to addictive behavior. In many cases the actions, reactions and activities are so routine that the addict really doesn’t think about them at all. They just act, perhaps to later to “snap out of it” and wonder what happened. Overcoming addiction requires extreme mindfulness–becoming acutely aware of every action, environment, activity and relationship–because anything could be a trigger. We have to pay attention to everything we’re doing all the time to identify those potential triggers, then avoid or deal with them.

Frankly, being mindful is a lot more work.

Day 11 — Weight Gain, WTF?

When I stopped eating sugar and sweets, I thought extra pounds would just magically melt off my body. With no extra effort whatsoever I would become my perfect size. Because it was all of those cookies, candy, cake, doughnuts and chocolates that were keeping me from losing weight, right? Full disclosure, I’ve been following a very healthy plan for over a year and lost about 18 pounds, so it’s not like I wasn’t making any effort. But my losses stalled, I’ve been losing and gaining the same 2-3 pounds for close to a year and I’m still at least 5 pounds from the top of my healthy weight range.

Um….well…in the past ten days I’ve gained 2 pounds. What’s going on here? This is NOT what’s supposed to happen. Forget it, maybe I’ll just go back to eating sweets!

Of course many things can affect the number on the scale, and I try to not be too obsessive about it. It could just be water, time of the month, etc, etc, etc. Except that I know full well I’ve been eating more than I should of certain things in an effort to deal with cravings. Too much sweet fruit, bread and bagels made with highly-processed white flour that I had basically eliminated from my diet. And probably just a little more of everything because I was craving things…something…anything.

So I’ve got out my plan, I’m back on track and shaken out of the magical dream that giving up sugar is the path to immediate weight loss. I truly believe this is something I have to do for my mental and physical health. Even if I remain the same weight, I’ll be stronger and not controlled by a white powder.

Day 6 and the Inadvertent Mint

Mondays are notoriously stressful, and today was even more so due to some events at work. But sitting here at the end of the day I realized that not once did I consider reaching for something sweet to calm my nerves. I really didn’t even think about it, which is a major victory for me.

I assume most people don’t rely on sugar as a crutch to get them through the tough times, but I definitely do. Or did. Stressful day at work? Hit the vending machine. Bored? Go somewhere and buy a cookie. Nervous? Snack on whatever is sitting in front of me (usually sweets). Upset? Buy a package of Oreos on the way home. It seemed like sugar and sweets could cure whatever ailed me. Calm my nerves, fill the time, make me feel better. But the truth is, I never really found what I was looking for. Even when I ate my way to the bottom of the package, whatever I was seeking wasn’t there. Often I felt worse, adding guilt and shame to the original emotions. But for some reason I kept coming back, thinking that maybe this time it would work. No, that’s not even true. I didn’t even think about it most of the time. I just bought more, ate more, felt guilty more, and continued in a never-ending destructive cycle.

Today was the first stressful day I can remember in…okay, ever…that I didn’t reach for sweets to cope with the stress. The inadvertent mint? I was talking to someone, thought I needed a mint and grabbed one, then later realized that I had mindlessly done so. But guess what? I grabbed it because I actually needed a mint, not a sugar fix. Wow, that’s the reason most people eat mints, isn’t it? Fascinating.