Day 71 — Not There Yet…

It’s been a while since I posted, I guess avoiding sugar wasn’t top of mind. Not that I wasn’t still avoiding it, I was. I just wasn’t thinking that much about it. It was actually starting to feel natural. Normal. Like I was one of “those people” who just didn’t eat a lot of sugar or processed sweets.

And then this week hit me. Really hard, like a knockout punch right between the eyes. Cravings that I haven’t had in two months suddenly made themselves heard. First, Girl Scout cookies (Tagalongs, my favorite) showed up in the office kitchen. When I saw them my mouth literally watered. Then someone opened the package and I got a whiff of that manufactured cookie product with sugar-laden peanut butter-ish filling and chocolate-like coating. Fat, sugar, processed in a factory. Logically disgusting, olfactorily divine. I had to walk away.

Today a well-meaning and kind-hearted soul brought in chocolates to share. Good, high quality chocolates. Now found in three different locations in our office. I looked at them and just sighed. Because I know exactly how they taste. Really, really good. And I also know that if I have “just one,” by the end of the day I’ll find myself buried in a pile of candy wrappers filled with regret and self-loathing. I’m ignoring them.

So I’m not there yet. I may be able to say no thank you to all of these things, but I still want them. Badly. Which means I have a lot more work to do.

Day 26 — Waiting for the Goblins

The last few days I’ve been feeling like this change, eliminating processed sugar and sweets, is getting easy. Which is  exactly why I should probably start worrying.

It always seems that just when I tell myself something is easy, it takes me down. Sometimes literally, like when I think I’ve nailed a yoga balance pose, then lose it and tip over. Sometimes mentally, when I think “this project is going to be easy,” just before it blows up in my face. If I think something is going too well, getting too easy, that is just about when disaster strikes.

So I think I have good reason to be concerned. Most of my sugar-oriented disaster scenarios rotate around me thinking I’ve beat my sugar addiction, that I’m like everyone else. Telling myself I can have one piece of chocolate, just before I devour the whole bag. Deciding to go ahead and eat that office birthday cake, triggering a binge that includes two more slices and licking the icing from the edge of the box. Accepting someone’s offer of a “nice healthy bagel,” only to slather it with jam and eat two.

When I tell myself these things, I know they’re all lies. Clever disguises for the goblins just waiting to jump out at me…when I least expect it.

Day 22 — Blog Love: 100 Days of Real Food

Today I wanted to share one of my favorite blogs, 100 Days of Real Food. Essentially a chronicle of one family’s efforts to cut out processed food, the writer Lisa Leake was highly inspired by Michael Pollan’s book In Defense of Food. She decided to reduce her family’s intake of processed food, at first drastically for 100 days (hence the title), and then in a way that is sustainable long-term.

I love how she shares the ups and downs of the initial challenge, and other challenges including doing the whole thing on a strict budget, along with tips, menus, recipes and encouragement. Plus really beautiful photos that prove “healthy” food can look beautiful and delicious. I particularly like her posts about how how challenging it is to make healthier choices in a world filled with processed food at every turn. Lisa challenges her readers, encouraging them to take small steps–try cutting something out for a week, or even just a day. Her frank, straightforward and honest style has kept me reading every post since the day I discovered her blog about a year ago.

Day 19 — Pay Attention to Me

I’ve only recently started to realize how much I need to pay attention to my body. I think it’s been screaming at me for a while. Like a child (and most adults) it doesn’t like being ignored…”pay attention to me, if you don’t I’m going to act really bad so you will.” And I didn’t. So it did.

Like most people who struggle with weight gain or overeating, my body and I had reached somewhat of a standoff. I won’t pay attention to the fact that it’s getting heavier or achey, and it won’t comment on the junk I’m filling it with or the lack of exercise. Except it really doesn’t work that way, does it? I noticed, and so did it…because we are one and the same. Which is kind of a funny thing to think about, after battling for so many years. It’s like we were on two sides of a civil war, but now we’ve come to a truce and can work together to rebuild. My body and I are in this together, and we needed to start acting like it.

When I don’t listen to my body, it acts out to let me know. Everything from weight gain to strained muscles, out of control eating to digestive problems…when I treat my body badly it acts badly. If I don’t pay attention to what it needs, then either it gets something else or nothing at all, neither of which are good. When I do pay attention I’m healthier, happier and more energetic. We are much better together than apart.

So why did I spend so many years ignoring my body and fighting against it? I mean, we’ve had a real war going on for over 20 years. I honestly don’t know, but I’m glad I heard I finally heard it say “please, please pay attention to me, it will be so much better.” I’m happy it spoke up, and I’m even happier I heard it. C’mon body, let’s be friends!

Day 17 — The Energy Ride

It’s funny, I thought that after the first few days all my withdrawal symptoms would have passed, but this third week has actually been harder than the second. The first week I felt difference physically….tired, headachey, a little sick feeling. The second week I started to feel pretty good and had more energy. Then week three hit and it’s been tough!

I’ve been tired and find it hard to stayed focused on things. It takes me a long time to get work done, especially tasks that require focused thinking. And I’m much more impatient than usual (although I’ll freely admit I’m not the most patient person…I’m working on it).

Today I realized one thing that may be contributing to this is not eating frequently enough, or the right balance of foods. When I ate sweets and sugar, I snacked all day long. Eating a candy here, cookie there, it was like being on a constant IV drip of sugar and that sugar boosted my energy. Yes, my energy would flag, but I had little bits and pieces so frequently that I never really crashed.

Now that I’ve cut out my constant sugar feed, I need to pay more attention to when and what I’m eating. If I don’t have something every 3-4 hours I really start to drag. And it can’t be just anything…I’ve found that a little protein really makes a difference. Before my afternoon snack was always a piece of fruit, but now I need to have an egg with my orange, a teaspoon of peanut butter with my apple, or carrots and a couple tablespoons of hummus. Not a lot of protein, but a little bit makes a huge difference.

Without the steady sugar boost I really need that protein to keep my energy up. Otherwise I get tired, moody, and unfocused. I thought cutting out sugar would be like getting off a roller coaster, but not paying attention to what I’m eating is just a different ride. Like the Tilt-a-Whirl.

Day 12 — Mindless vs Mindful

Now that I’m not mindlessly filling up on sweets, I actually find it challenging to figure out alternate snacks. I have the calories to “spend,” I just have to figure out what to spend them on. I’m sure there are lots of good options, but it’s a significant change from grabbing whatever baked good or candy is laying around to really thinking about what to have and making that choice. Mindless eating is always easier than thoughtful eating.

Which makes me think about all the times I’ve sabotaged myself with sweets in the past. This is a pattern that’s gone on literally for as long as I can remember, at least back to high school. I would plan to do one thing (eat healthy, have just one cookie) and do the opposite (fill up on junk, eat the whole bag). Then I’d be angry and disappointed with myself. Beating myself up, I would vow to change my ways. Then turn around and do it all again. Trapped in a viscious cycle, this scenario would repeat itself over and over and over again. It was as if my logical brain had absolutely no connection to or power over my actions. I guess that’s why it’s mindless eating. The mind has basically checked out.

Mindless behavior is very closely tied to addictive behavior. In many cases the actions, reactions and activities are so routine that the addict really doesn’t think about them at all. They just act, perhaps to later to “snap out of it” and wonder what happened. Overcoming addiction requires extreme mindfulness–becoming acutely aware of every action, environment, activity and relationship–because anything could be a trigger. We have to pay attention to everything we’re doing all the time to identify those potential triggers, then avoid or deal with them.

Frankly, being mindful is a lot more work.