Day 55 — What Exactly Is Cheating?

As I go along on this quest to eliminate processed sugar and sweets from my diet, day after day I have to ask myself whether I’m cheating. When I have a controlled serving of a good restaurant’s dessert (made in-house) on vacation, is that cheating? If I make a dessert at home, and use little to no sugar, is that cheating? If I have a small serving of something that historically has not triggered a sugar binge, is that cheating?

Today’s question…is a small piece of angel food cake with lots of fresh berries cheating? I debated myself on this one for a bit, but ultimately I decided to give myself that permission. It’s not something that I crave, it’s not very sweet, and the cake is so light it’s really just a vehicle for the berries. And (this was the deciding factor for me), it’s the only dessert that I know my friend who doesn’t eat sweets eats!

So far I have given myself permission to enjoy these things, and will do so as long as it doesn’t take me off the track of my ultimate goal. At the end of the day I didn’t set out to deprive myself of things I enjoy, I set out to conquer my sugar addiction. To stop eating candy and sweets in an out-of-control way that was negative to my life, health and psyche.

On the other hand, when 3.5 dozen donuts showed up in our office kitchen Friday for National Donut Day, I passed. I knew I couldn’t handle it. If I had one, I would have two. Or three. And then start in on something else over the weekend. It was best to have none because I knew I couldn’t have just one.

Day 18 — Forever and Ever?

Today I’ve been thinking a lot about what my goal is with this process. It started because I felt competely out of control with the amount of sugar and sweets I was eating. I had to get a handle on things, and completely cutting out those items seemed like the best place to start. But what is my long-term goal? To never eat sweets again? Not necessarily.

I guess it’s to find a way to have a normal relationship with sugar and sweets. To be like other people, the ones who can have just one little piece of something, enjoy it, and be satisfied. I would like to be able to enjoy a really delicious baked good every once in a while, but not not be so obessesed with sugar that I buy a bag of cheap candy and eat half of it. To make cookies and have one, not six. I want a slice of cake on my birthday without feeling compelled to eat the whole cake, slice after slice until it’s gone, even that last piece that so dried out it’s not even good anymore. But I don’t really know if this is possible. Other people might be able to do it, but can I?

There are a couple of schools of thought regarding recovery from addiction. One would say you really have to abstain from the substance. Although you might say “one day at a time,” it’s with the goal of staying clean forever. The thought is that the substance is so powerful and irresistable to you that one taste could send you back into a tailspin of addiction. And there is definitely wisdom in that thinking. It may be easier to just say no to something than try to figure out if you can handle a little bit or not. And, frankly, for some substances this may be the only way to go.

Another side would say that it’s possible to learn to enjoy your particular substance in a healthy and moderate way. Honestly, this is probably the harder route. It takes experimentation and risk, with the potential of things going terribly wrong. I suppose that if you really start to understand what works for you, if you get to know yourself clearly and deeply, this option is possible. Although there probably always need to be some rules, guidelines and barriers…some items might just need to be off limits.

I really don’t know which is going to work for me. Which means it’s probably to early to do anything other than abstain. For how long? I don’t know, I guess until I have a clear answer.