Day 71 — Not There Yet…

It’s been a while since I posted, I guess avoiding sugar wasn’t top of mind. Not that I wasn’t still avoiding it, I was. I just wasn’t thinking that much about it. It was actually starting to feel natural. Normal. Like I was one of “those people” who just didn’t eat a lot of sugar or processed sweets.

And then this week hit me. Really hard, like a knockout punch right between the eyes. Cravings that I haven’t had in two months suddenly made themselves heard. First, Girl Scout cookies (Tagalongs, my favorite) showed up in the office kitchen. When I saw them my mouth literally watered. Then someone opened the package and I got a whiff of that manufactured cookie product with sugar-laden peanut butter-ish filling and chocolate-like coating. Fat, sugar, processed in a factory. Logically disgusting, olfactorily divine. I had to walk away.

Today a well-meaning and kind-hearted soul brought in chocolates to share. Good, high quality chocolates. Now found in three different locations in our office. I looked at them and just sighed. Because I know exactly how they taste. Really, really good. And I also know that if I have “just one,” by the end of the day I’ll find myself buried in a pile of candy wrappers filled with regret and self-loathing. I’m ignoring them.

So I’m not there yet. I may be able to say no thank you to all of these things, but I still want them. Badly. Which means I have a lot more work to do.

Day 55 — What Exactly Is Cheating?

As I go along on this quest to eliminate processed sugar and sweets from my diet, day after day I have to ask myself whether I’m cheating. When I have a controlled serving of a good restaurant’s dessert (made in-house) on vacation, is that cheating? If I make a dessert at home, and use little to no sugar, is that cheating? If I have a small serving of something that historically has not triggered a sugar binge, is that cheating?

Today’s question…is a small piece of angel food cake with lots of fresh berries cheating? I debated myself on this one for a bit, but ultimately I decided to give myself that permission. It’s not something that I crave, it’s not very sweet, and the cake is so light it’s really just a vehicle for the berries. And (this was the deciding factor for me), it’s the only dessert that I know my friend who doesn’t eat sweets eats!

So far I have given myself permission to enjoy these things, and will do so as long as it doesn’t take me off the track of my ultimate goal. At the end of the day I didn’t set out to deprive myself of things I enjoy, I set out to conquer my sugar addiction. To stop eating candy and sweets in an out-of-control way that was negative to my life, health and psyche.

On the other hand, when 3.5 dozen donuts showed up in our office kitchen Friday for National Donut Day, I passed. I knew I couldn’t handle it. If I had one, I would have two. Or three. And then start in on something else over the weekend. It was best to have none because I knew I couldn’t have just one.

Day 50 — About Portion Control

It’s easier when someone else controls it for you…

While on vacation I had a couple of dessets. And the world didn’t end. I didn’t have a meltdown, walk ten blocks to buy more chocolate or start eating everything in sight.

One night we went to a wonderful Greek restaurant. Baklava is one of my favorite things, and generally not a triggering food for me, so I decided to take a piece back to the hotel room. It was delicious and, since it was one piece packaged up at the restaturant, there was no fear of suddenly going on a huge baklava binge. I got the piece I was given, and that was it.

Another night we had dinner at a lovely seafood restaurant, and they had local-made fruit sorbets as a dessert option. Most dessert menus are not even a temptation for me because I have a dairy allergy, and all the “good stuff” is made with butter. But this was a dessert I could have, so we ordered one serving and shared it. The flavors were wonderful, just like fresh fruit. And, again, it was served to me, so once it was gone there would be no more. Plus I was sharing and I couldn’t be a pig!

The strange thing is, since the portions were controlled by someone else, I didn’t even think about having more. At home I decided to try the restaurant philosophy and serve things in small portions, on smaller plates. It’s all mental, but it seems to work. Small servings look plenty big on a small plate. Since it’s possible to overeat anything, even healthy foods, I’ve started putting dessert-like items in little tiny single-serve dishes. When it’s gone, it’s gone…just like the restaurant.

Day 28 — Triggers in the Media

Today I was feeling the complete unfairness of having an addiction. While my particular issue may be sugar, I imagine this feeling is universal among addicts. It is simply not fair that (apparently) everyone else in the world can responsibly have and handle something that is a danger to me. And it seems especially unfair when that substance is legal, accessible and pretty much everywhere I go. I guess this is the same feeling that an alcoholic must have about alcohol. It’s legal, accessible, extremely available, and often related to having a good time.

Unlike some addictive substances, alcohol is also constantly shown in the media, just like sweets. Love your kid? Give them an Oreo. Want to have fun? Drink a beer. Sometimes I get angry when I see all the ads for cookies, candy, cakes, doughnuts, and the ever-so-trendy cupcakes. Angry that these items are everywhere, that they are delicious, and that I can’t have them. Logically I know these “foods” are filled with preservatives, fillers and junk, but I want them anyway. My mouth waters just thinking about the sweet creamy texture.

While addiction is mainly driven by the individual’s internal factors, external cues can be triggers affecting the progression of addiction, or leading to a relapse. Seeing images of the addictive substance, especially people enjoying it, can lead to visualizing yourself enjoying it too or reminiscing about the past and all the fun you had with it. Of course you edit out the bad times. Those aren’t part of the ad.

I’m not sure an addict ever gets entirely over the craving for their particular substance, they just learn to control it. I know former smokers who say that years, even decades later, then can still remember exactly how a cigarette would taste and feel. They never stop craving “just one.”

Day 21 — How Many Days to Form a New Habit?

I have now avoided processed sugar and sweets, candy, cake, cookies, doughnuts, etc. for three whole weeks. In the past I would never have thought that would be something I could do, but here I am and I did it!

Three weeks into this adventure, I’ve started wondering how long it really takes to form a new habit. There’s an oft-touted rule of thumb that says it takes 21 days to form a new habit, but apparently that doesn’t have much scientific basis. It’s probably better just as a reminder that you have to do new things for a while before they stick. So how long does habit formation really take? I’m especially curious about the transition from having to think about and exert a lot of self-control to continue the behavior, into it being practically automatic. I feel like right now I’m staying away from sugar and processed sweets but only with a lot of effort…how long until I just do it naturally? Until it just becomes part of who I am?

Apparently, anywhere from 18 to 254 days, according to psychological research on how habits are formed in the real world. The researchers looked at habit formation and automaticity (when it became an automatic behavior for the individual). Participants took anywhere from 18 to 254 days before they reached 95% of automaticity. This is quite a wide range, apparently it varies heavily based on the individual and can take a very long time for some. Performing the behavior more consistently certainly helped, although missing one opportunity to perform the behavior did not really affect the process of forming the habit. Essentially, if you repeat a behavior consistently it does become automatic, but the time it takes to do so really depends on each individual. For some people it’s very quick and for others it takes a long time.

So, I’m already past 18 days, yay! And 12% of the way to 254 days. Somewhere between here and there these new habits should stick!

Day 13 — Chasing the Dragon

I wonder if I’ll ever be able to handle sugar or sweets the way a regular, non-addict person would. You know…they have one piece of chocolate, not the whole jumbo-sized bar. One cookie, not the whole package. Eat just a little slice of birthday cake, and don’t follow it up with two more slices later. Enjoy a doughnut, maybe even half, not two or three including the stale ones the next day. Just one piece of candy instead of unwrapping and eating one after another until half the bag is gone. Or having one of these things after another because once the sugar sensor has been turned on, it can’t be satisfied.

For me, right now, none is better than one. Regular people can be satisfied with one bite of cake, the corner of a cookie or one piece of chocolate. I can’t. That first bite is just the beginning, the trigger for me. It’s like a key that turns on a powerful mechanism in my brain. Once turned on, it must be fed again and again.

People addicted to other substances, including drugs like heroin and cocaine, say there is nothing comparable to the first high. Often called ‘chasing the dragon,’ they’re constantly seeking to repeat the feeling of that first high, and never can.

Recent research has shown that our brain reacts very similarly to a burst of sugar as it does to a drug. So when I have the first bite of a sugary sweet, does it turn on the same mechanism in my brain that heroin turns on in a heroin addict’s brain? Do I keep eating more and more sweets and sugar, trying to get back to that elusive first sugar high? Am I just chasing the dragon? And does that mean that I may never be able to enjoy ‘just one bite’ like regular, non-sugar addicts, do? I hope not, but it’s a reality I may have to consider.

Day 7 — One Week Down

Today is my one week no-sugar-iversary. One whole week without eating ANY sugar (except a much-needed mint and a taste of something I was cooking, both acceptable deviations). This is absolutely amazing to me. If someone had said “you need to go a whole week without eating sugar or sweets,” I would have thought that was impossible. But now I’ve done it!

The question is, one week out of…forever? Can I truly never eat sugar or sweets again? Or will I get to the point where it’s not an addictive trigger for me, where I CAN have “just one” like other people do? I really don’t know the answer to that. I suppose the only way to find out will be to try it. Someday. When I feel strong enough to handle that experiment, which is definitely not now. I’m way too fragile and easily seduced by the mere idea of sweets right now.

And too caught up in the unfairness of it all. Why can other people have sweets and I can’t? How can they handle having just one cookie or piece of candy, but once I get started I have to have 2, 3, 6, 10…? I suppose these are the same questions an alcoholic asks. Why can everyone else have a drink and I can’t? They get to enjoy a beer or glass of wine, but I don’t. It may not be fair, but it IS the reality, at least for me and for now.

Perhaps there will be a day when I can enjoy one piece too, but right now I can’t. Today that “just one” would be the first of many consumed thoughtlessly and without pleasure. So long as my mouth waters just thinking about candy, cookies or cake, I’ll stick with none instead of one.

Day 6 and the Inadvertent Mint

Mondays are notoriously stressful, and today was even more so due to some events at work. But sitting here at the end of the day I realized that not once did I consider reaching for something sweet to calm my nerves. I really didn’t even think about it, which is a major victory for me.

I assume most people don’t rely on sugar as a crutch to get them through the tough times, but I definitely do. Or did. Stressful day at work? Hit the vending machine. Bored? Go somewhere and buy a cookie. Nervous? Snack on whatever is sitting in front of me (usually sweets). Upset? Buy a package of Oreos on the way home. It seemed like sugar and sweets could cure whatever ailed me. Calm my nerves, fill the time, make me feel better. But the truth is, I never really found what I was looking for. Even when I ate my way to the bottom of the package, whatever I was seeking wasn’t there. Often I felt worse, adding guilt and shame to the original emotions. But for some reason I kept coming back, thinking that maybe this time it would work. No, that’s not even true. I didn’t even think about it most of the time. I just bought more, ate more, felt guilty more, and continued in a never-ending destructive cycle.

Today was the first stressful day I can remember in…okay, ever…that I didn’t reach for sweets to cope with the stress. The inadvertent mint? I was talking to someone, thought I needed a mint and grabbed one, then later realized that I had mindlessly done so. But guess what? I grabbed it because I actually needed a mint, not a sugar fix. Wow, that’s the reason most people eat mints, isn’t it? Fascinating.