Day 18 — Forever and Ever?

Today I’ve been thinking a lot about what my goal is with this process. It started because I felt competely out of control with the amount of sugar and sweets I was eating. I had to get a handle on things, and completely cutting out those items seemed like the best place to start. But what is my long-term goal? To never eat sweets again? Not necessarily.

I guess it’s to find a way to have a normal relationship with sugar and sweets. To be like other people, the ones who can have just one little piece of something, enjoy it, and be satisfied. I would like to be able to enjoy a really delicious baked good every once in a while, but not not be so obessesed with sugar that I buy a bag of cheap candy and eat half of it. To make cookies and have one, not six. I want a slice of cake on my birthday without feeling compelled to eat the whole cake, slice after slice until it’s gone, even that last piece that so dried out it’s not even good anymore. But I don’t really know if this is possible. Other people might be able to do it, but can I?

There are a couple of schools of thought regarding recovery from addiction. One would say you really have to abstain from the substance. Although you might say “one day at a time,” it’s with the goal of staying clean forever. The thought is that the substance is so powerful and irresistable to you that one taste could send you back into a tailspin of addiction. And there is definitely wisdom in that thinking. It may be easier to just say no to something than try to figure out if you can handle a little bit or not. And, frankly, for some substances this may be the only way to go.

Another side would say that it’s possible to learn to enjoy your particular substance in a healthy and moderate way. Honestly, this is probably the harder route. It takes experimentation and risk, with the potential of things going terribly wrong. I suppose that if you really start to understand what works for you, if you get to know yourself clearly and deeply, this option is possible. Although there probably always need to be some rules, guidelines and barriers…some items might just need to be off limits.

I really don’t know which is going to work for me. Which means it’s probably to early to do anything other than abstain. For how long? I don’t know, I guess until I have a clear answer.

Day 5 — Not-so-sweet Reaction

Since I’ve started avoiding sugar and sweets, I’ve also been highly aware of my body’s reaction to those substances. Ultra-aware. Maybe even over-sensitive.

Today I made some no-bake cookies for someone in the house. I know what you’re thinking…sure, they’re for a ‘friend’…but they truly are. I make them all the time, and never eat them. No-bake cookies are not my downfall. But today I used a substitute ingredient and wanted to make sure it was okay, so I popped a couple of very tiny bites in my mouth mindlessly (there’s that lack of awareness again). I caught myself, didn’t do it again, finished up and went on to another task.

Suddenly I really started to feel weird…shaky, jittery, a bit of a buzz or a slight high. Ah, my old friend sugar, you really are an addictive substance aren’t you? Just a little pinch and my body wound up with excitement. It passed in about a minute, but was definitely a very strange experience. Honestly, not one I really want to repeat.