Day 20 — No Thank You

I used the most powerful word in the English language today, “no,” softened with “thank you.” And it felt good.

In a long and intense strategy meeting, the type that requires heavy thinking, someone passed around a box of chocolates. Dove Truffle chocolates. The kind of thing I would normally give my right arm for, especially in a stressful situation. But, as they were handed to me, I said “no, thank you,” and passed them to the next person.

Then, and here’s the really amazing part…I stopped thinking about them! I didn’t look at the package longingly, wish I could have one, get mad because I couldn’t. I just forgot about them. When the meeting was over I offered the last one to someone else with absolutely no remorse.

While this would not seem like a big deal to most people, to me it was monumental. Those chocloates are the sort of thing I would eat piece after piece of in the past, and today I easily passed it up. I think this whole experiment is actually working!

Day 19 — Pay Attention to Me

I’ve only recently started to realize how much I need to pay attention to my body. I think it’s been screaming at me for a while. Like a child (and most adults) it doesn’t like being ignored…”pay attention to me, if you don’t I’m going to act really bad so you will.” And I didn’t. So it did.

Like most people who struggle with weight gain or overeating, my body and I had reached somewhat of a standoff. I won’t pay attention to the fact that it’s getting heavier or achey, and it won’t comment on the junk I’m filling it with or the lack of exercise. Except it really doesn’t work that way, does it? I noticed, and so did it…because we are one and the same. Which is kind of a funny thing to think about, after battling for so many years. It’s like we were on two sides of a civil war, but now we’ve come to a truce and can work together to rebuild. My body and I are in this together, and we needed to start acting like it.

When I don’t listen to my body, it acts out to let me know. Everything from weight gain to strained muscles, out of control eating to digestive problems…when I treat my body badly it acts badly. If I don’t pay attention to what it needs, then either it gets something else or nothing at all, neither of which are good. When I do pay attention I’m healthier, happier and more energetic. We are much better together than apart.

So why did I spend so many years ignoring my body and fighting against it? I mean, we’ve had a real war going on for over 20 years. I honestly don’t know, but I’m glad I heard I finally heard it say “please, please pay attention to me, it will be so much better.” I’m happy it spoke up, and I’m even happier I heard it. C’mon body, let’s be friends!

Day 18 — Forever and Ever?

Today I’ve been thinking a lot about what my goal is with this process. It started because I felt competely out of control with the amount of sugar and sweets I was eating. I had to get a handle on things, and completely cutting out those items seemed like the best place to start. But what is my long-term goal? To never eat sweets again? Not necessarily.

I guess it’s to find a way to have a normal relationship with sugar and sweets. To be like other people, the ones who can have just one little piece of something, enjoy it, and be satisfied. I would like to be able to enjoy a really delicious baked good every once in a while, but not not be so obessesed with sugar that I buy a bag of cheap candy and eat half of it. To make cookies and have one, not six. I want a slice of cake on my birthday without feeling compelled to eat the whole cake, slice after slice until it’s gone, even that last piece that so dried out it’s not even good anymore. But I don’t really know if this is possible. Other people might be able to do it, but can I?

There are a couple of schools of thought regarding recovery from addiction. One would say you really have to abstain from the substance. Although you might say “one day at a time,” it’s with the goal of staying clean forever. The thought is that the substance is so powerful and irresistable to you that one taste could send you back into a tailspin of addiction. And there is definitely wisdom in that thinking. It may be easier to just say no to something than try to figure out if you can handle a little bit or not. And, frankly, for some substances this may be the only way to go.

Another side would say that it’s possible to learn to enjoy your particular substance in a healthy and moderate way. Honestly, this is probably the harder route. It takes experimentation and risk, with the potential of things going terribly wrong. I suppose that if you really start to understand what works for you, if you get to know yourself clearly and deeply, this option is possible. Although there probably always need to be some rules, guidelines and barriers…some items might just need to be off limits.

I really don’t know which is going to work for me. Which means it’s probably to early to do anything other than abstain. For how long? I don’t know, I guess until I have a clear answer.

Day 17 — The Energy Ride

It’s funny, I thought that after the first few days all my withdrawal symptoms would have passed, but this third week has actually been harder than the second. The first week I felt difference physically….tired, headachey, a little sick feeling. The second week I started to feel pretty good and had more energy. Then week three hit and it’s been tough!

I’ve been tired and find it hard to stayed focused on things. It takes me a long time to get work done, especially tasks that require focused thinking. And I’m much more impatient than usual (although I’ll freely admit I’m not the most patient person…I’m working on it).

Today I realized one thing that may be contributing to this is not eating frequently enough, or the right balance of foods. When I ate sweets and sugar, I snacked all day long. Eating a candy here, cookie there, it was like being on a constant IV drip of sugar and that sugar boosted my energy. Yes, my energy would flag, but I had little bits and pieces so frequently that I never really crashed.

Now that I’ve cut out my constant sugar feed, I need to pay more attention to when and what I’m eating. If I don’t have something every 3-4 hours I really start to drag. And it can’t be just anything…I’ve found that a little protein really makes a difference. Before my afternoon snack was always a piece of fruit, but now I need to have an egg with my orange, a teaspoon of peanut butter with my apple, or carrots and a couple tablespoons of hummus. Not a lot of protein, but a little bit makes a huge difference.

Without the steady sugar boost I really need that protein to keep my energy up. Otherwise I get tired, moody, and unfocused. I thought cutting out sugar would be like getting off a roller coaster, but not paying attention to what I’m eating is just a different ride. Like the Tilt-a-Whirl.

Day 16 — Targeting the Triggers

Last week I had a real run-in with trigger foods several days in a row–tempting culprits in the form of bagels for breakfast and soft white bread at a restaurant. They won, I lost. I realized that I was substituting foods that quickly convert to sugar in place of eating actual sugar. And it had to stop.

In doing more research, I found that substituting one food for another is common addict behavior. It’s often seen in alcoholics since the substance also has a food component (as opposed to something like a drug that doesn’t). Alcohol converts quickly to sugar, so when alcoholics stop drinking they often start eating large quantities of sugar-laden foods or foods made with highly-processed white flour that quickly converts to sugar. They’re replacing one sugar boost with another. Which was exactly what I was doing too.

So what exactly is a “trigger food?” And how do I identify and avoid them? My definition is any food that I can’t stop eating or that I keep eating long after I’m satisfied. For example, if I buy a large cookie at a bakery thinking I’ll just have half, but keep going back for more and more of it until it’s gone, that’s a trigger food. I said I would eat a certain amount but was not able to stop at that point. The delicious warm half a baguette served at a nice restaurant? Same thing…I think I’ll just have one piece, but in reality have two or three. And would actually eat the whole thing if someone else didn’t want to share it with me. Even if I have finished my meal and am not hungry any more, I will keep eating that bread until it’s gone.

Of course sugar-filled foods and sweets are triggers for me, that’s the whole reason I decided to give them up. But other foods can be triggers too, and it’s important for me to identify them before I get into the habit of just substituting one bad habit with another.

Day 15 — Sugar Reality Check

After figuring out how much sugar I used to eat in an average week, I got curious about what the norm is. According to the USDA’s Agricultural Fact Book Profiling Food Consumption in America, in 2000 Americans consumed 152 pounds of ‘total caloric sweeteners’ per capita. That’s almost three pounds per week. I’m sitting here looking at a five-pound bag of sugar thinking that is A LOT of sugar to eat every week! Of those 152 pounds per year, 66 pounds were cane and beet sugar, with the rest being high fructose corn syrup, glucose, dextrose, and other various -oses.

Granted this amount had dropped slightly from a high in 1999 of 155 pounds per capita. Uh, yay? That doesn’t seem like enough to celebrate. Especially when it’s a 39% increase from the 1950-1959 statistics. I’m sure there are many factors contributing to that increase, one being the higher quantity of processed and prepared foods we eat today compared to the fifties. And of course those foods are filled with added sugars and sweeteners. We’re also a more indulgent, consumptive, instant-gratification type of society today. Sweets used to be real treats, reserved for special occasions. Baked goods were often homemade, taking a lot more time and effort than tearing a package open. Sugar just wasn’t in as many foods or as readily available compared to today, and our average consumption reflects those changes.

So, how did I compare? The week I decided to give up sugar and sweets–because I thought the amount I was eating was out of control, because I felt ADDICTED–I had the equivalent of just under 31 pounds per year. 20% of the average. Okay, that was just additional sugar and sweets, let’s say I got that much again in my other foods…that would bring me up to 62 pounds, or 40% of the average. Wow. When I think about how much candy and all the sweets I ate that week, just the idea of eating over twice as much makes me sick. I’m happy to be below the norm, but even happier to be a total outlier.

Day 14 — Two Weeks Sugar Free!

Two weeks ago I ate this much sugar in an average week. Not counting sugar found in regular everyday foods, just additional sugar in candy and sweets. The past two weeks I ate none.

Day 13 — Chasing the Dragon

I wonder if I’ll ever be able to handle sugar or sweets the way a regular, non-addict person would. You know…they have one piece of chocolate, not the whole jumbo-sized bar. One cookie, not the whole package. Eat just a little slice of birthday cake, and don’t follow it up with two more slices later. Enjoy a doughnut, maybe even half, not two or three including the stale ones the next day. Just one piece of candy instead of unwrapping and eating one after another until half the bag is gone. Or having one of these things after another because once the sugar sensor has been turned on, it can’t be satisfied.

For me, right now, none is better than one. Regular people can be satisfied with one bite of cake, the corner of a cookie or one piece of chocolate. I can’t. That first bite is just the beginning, the trigger for me. It’s like a key that turns on a powerful mechanism in my brain. Once turned on, it must be fed again and again.

People addicted to other substances, including drugs like heroin and cocaine, say there is nothing comparable to the first high. Often called ‘chasing the dragon,’ they’re constantly seeking to repeat the feeling of that first high, and never can.

Recent research has shown that our brain reacts very similarly to a burst of sugar as it does to a drug. So when I have the first bite of a sugary sweet, does it turn on the same mechanism in my brain that heroin turns on in a heroin addict’s brain? Do I keep eating more and more sweets and sugar, trying to get back to that elusive first sugar high? Am I just chasing the dragon? And does that mean that I may never be able to enjoy ‘just one bite’ like regular, non-sugar addicts, do? I hope not, but it’s a reality I may have to consider.

Day 12 — Mindless vs Mindful

Now that I’m not mindlessly filling up on sweets, I actually find it challenging to figure out alternate snacks. I have the calories to “spend,” I just have to figure out what to spend them on. I’m sure there are lots of good options, but it’s a significant change from grabbing whatever baked good or candy is laying around to really thinking about what to have and making that choice. Mindless eating is always easier than thoughtful eating.

Which makes me think about all the times I’ve sabotaged myself with sweets in the past. This is a pattern that’s gone on literally for as long as I can remember, at least back to high school. I would plan to do one thing (eat healthy, have just one cookie) and do the opposite (fill up on junk, eat the whole bag). Then I’d be angry and disappointed with myself. Beating myself up, I would vow to change my ways. Then turn around and do it all again. Trapped in a viscious cycle, this scenario would repeat itself over and over and over again. It was as if my logical brain had absolutely no connection to or power over my actions. I guess that’s why it’s mindless eating. The mind has basically checked out.

Mindless behavior is very closely tied to addictive behavior. In many cases the actions, reactions and activities are so routine that the addict really doesn’t think about them at all. They just act, perhaps to later to “snap out of it” and wonder what happened. Overcoming addiction requires extreme mindfulness–becoming acutely aware of every action, environment, activity and relationship–because anything could be a trigger. We have to pay attention to everything we’re doing all the time to identify those potential triggers, then avoid or deal with them.

Frankly, being mindful is a lot more work.

Day 11 — Weight Gain, WTF?

When I stopped eating sugar and sweets, I thought extra pounds would just magically melt off my body. With no extra effort whatsoever I would become my perfect size. Because it was all of those cookies, candy, cake, doughnuts and chocolates that were keeping me from losing weight, right? Full disclosure, I’ve been following a very healthy plan for over a year and lost about 18 pounds, so it’s not like I wasn’t making any effort. But my losses stalled, I’ve been losing and gaining the same 2-3 pounds for close to a year and I’m still at least 5 pounds from the top of my healthy weight range.

Um….well…in the past ten days I’ve gained 2 pounds. What’s going on here? This is NOT what’s supposed to happen. Forget it, maybe I’ll just go back to eating sweets!

Of course many things can affect the number on the scale, and I try to not be too obsessive about it. It could just be water, time of the month, etc, etc, etc. Except that I know full well I’ve been eating more than I should of certain things in an effort to deal with cravings. Too much sweet fruit, bread and bagels made with highly-processed white flour that I had basically eliminated from my diet. And probably just a little more of everything because I was craving things…something…anything.

So I’ve got out my plan, I’m back on track and shaken out of the magical dream that giving up sugar is the path to immediate weight loss. I truly believe this is something I have to do for my mental and physical health. Even if I remain the same weight, I’ll be stronger and not controlled by a white powder.